How to Communicate With Your Spouse During a Home Sale, and the Neutral Agent's Role

Keep it in writing, keep it about the house, and send everything through one channel so both of you get the same information at the same time. A neutral agent's job is to be that channel: one set of facts, delivered to both owners together, with your attorneys kept informed, so neither of you ever has to wonder what the other one was told.

I'm Dennis Mark Interdonato, a REALTOR® and Master CDRE® with The Dennis Mark Group at Keller Williams Realty Ocean Living. I've sold a marital home for two owners who weren't allowed to speak to each other, and it closed. A divorce home sale doesn't need the two of you to get along. It needs a structure both of you can count on. This is general information, not legal, tax or lending advice.

Why does communication break down during a divorce sale?

A home sale runs on dozens of small decisions: the price, the prep, showing times, offers, inspection requests, the closing date. In a normal sale, two owners talk them over at the kitchen table. In a divorce, that's often the hardest conversation in the house. Side conversations start, one owner hears something first, and trust drops a little more with every update. The answer isn't more talking. It's a better system.

What ground rules work?

Set these in writing before the home goes on the market:

1. One thread. Every update goes to both owners at the same time, in writing. Nobody gets a private version of the sale.
2. A set schedule. A regular update on showings, feedback and activity, so nobody has to chase news.
3. Offers to both, together. Every offer goes to both owners at the same time, with the same summary.
4. Decisions in writing. A price change or an accepted offer is confirmed by both owners in writing.
5. Response times up front. Agree on how long each of you has to answer, so a silence doesn't stall the sale.
6. Attorneys in the loop. Decide in advance what gets copied to your attorneys or mediator.

What does a neutral agent do, and not do?

In a divorce sale, I work for the sale, not for a side. That means:

• Both owners get the same facts, the same updates and the same respect.
• I don't favor whichever spouse called me first.
• I don't carry messages or opinions from one spouse to the other.
• I don't give legal advice or say how the money should be divided. That belongs to your attorneys, your mediator or the court.
• I keep a clear record, so if anyone needs it later, it's there.

That's what the CDRE® training is built around. The Ilumni Institute's program covers the skills to become a true neutral in a case, and training in reducing and resolving conflict. Here's what a Master CDRE® does differently.

What if there's a court order, or you can't be in the same room?

Follow the order. The sale can be built around it. A judge appointed me to list and sell a marital home in Monmouth County where the two owners weren't allowed to speak to each other, and one of them worked to stall the sale. I kept the process neutral, kept the court and both attorneys informed at every step, and the home closed within five months of my appointment.

New Jersey's courts build the same idea into mediation. The NJ Courts say the law generally prohibits mediation when there's an active final restraining order, that the protected party has to be the one to request economic mediation, and that if there is a final restraining order, the parties won't be in the same room for it. Closing day works the same way: the two of you don't have to be at the same table.

What if you can't agree on a decision?

Start with data. Most disagreements in a sale are about the price, an offer or a repair, and those have answers in the numbers: recent sales, showing feedback, the inspection report and a home value both of you can see. When the numbers don't settle it, the decision goes back to your attorneys or your mediator.

New Jersey also has settlement steps built into a divorce case. The NJ Courts say contested cases are first reviewed by an Early Settlement Panel of two experienced divorce attorneys, and unresolved financial disputes can be sent to economic mediation, where the first two hours are free. Mediators on the court's roster have completed 40 hours of mediation training, and they don't represent either party or give legal advice.

How fast do you need to decide once there's an offer?

Fast enough that you should agree on the process now. In New Jersey, a sales contract prepared by a real estate licensee comes with a three-business-day attorney review period, during which either side may consult an attorney who can review and cancel the contract (N.J.A.C. 11:5-6.2). Decide ahead of time who the sellers' real estate attorney is and how both of you will weigh in during those three days.

What are the most common mistakes?

• Texting the agent privately and expecting it to stay private
• Arguing at the house during a showing or an inspection
• Agreeing to a change by phone and never putting it in writing
• Letting a decision sit until a deadline passes
• Asking the agent to deliver a message that belongs with your attorney

Frequently Asked Questions

Can I talk to the agent without my spouse?

You can ask questions. Anything that affects the sale, from a price change to an offer, goes to both owners in writing at the same time.

Does a neutral agent work for one spouse or both?

In a sale I run, the process stays neutral. Both of you receive the same information at the same time, and neither spouse gets favored for calling first.

Do we have to be in the same room to sign?

No. Neither of you has to be in the same room at closing. Your attorneys will tell each of you how and when you sign.

What if my spouse stops responding?

Raise it with your attorney. Agreed response times in the written plan help, and if a decision can't be reached, your attorneys, mediator or the court can address it.

This is general information, not legal, tax or lending advice. If there's a court order in your case, follow it and ask your attorney how it applies to the sale.

About the author

Dennis Mark Interdonato is a REALTOR® and Master CDRE® who leads The Dennis Mark Group at Keller Williams Realty Ocean Living in Point Pleasant, NJ, helping buyers and sellers throughout New Jersey make their next move, with Monmouth and Ocean County as home base. Read more about Dennis Mark.

Keep reading

• Read the divorce home sale guide
• Preparing a home for sale during a divorce
• What comes out of the proceeds at a divorce closing
• Have a question this didn't answer? Send it to Dennis Mark.